Listen, I was this close to ordering pizza tonight, but instead, I turned into the Domestic Goddess I never applied to be and made this ridiculously easy pasta salad. Here’s the thing: pasta salad is basically an excuse to throw random fridge contents into a bowl, drown it in dressing, and call it “dinner.” And I’m fine with that.

I started with a box of protein pasta — not because I’m on some gym-rat kick, but because that’s what was in my pantry. Cooked it up, cooled it down, and then dumped in pepperoni I found hiding behind the shredded cheese. Added cherry tomatoes (whole because I’m not about to stand here cutting 20 tiny tomatoes in half), black olives, cucumber, and Parmesan like the classy chef I am.

Now, here’s the magic: Olive Garden Italian Dressing. Half a bottle. Yes, half. Then a half fuckton of basil because I ran out before I hit a full fuckton. Salt, pepper, stir, fridge. That’s it.

By dinner, it tasted like I’d actually tried — which is wild, because I didn’t. The teens ate it, my husband ate it, and I’ve got just enough left to eat straight from the bowl tomorrow while hiding in the pantry.

Ingredients:

1 (16 oz) box protein pasta (I used cavatelli, but honestly… whatever’s in your pantry)

A bunch of pepperoni, quartered (don’t measure it, just grab what you’ve got)

1 pint cherry tomatoes A small can black olives, drained

1 cucumber, halved and sliced

8 oz pepper jack (cubed)

Grated Parmesan cheese (measure with your heart) ½ bottle Olive Garden Original Italian Dressing

Salt & pepper

A half fuckton of fresh basil (or a full one if you’re blessed)

Instructions:

Cook the pasta. That’s the hardest part. If you can boil water — and yes, you can, don’t start with me — you can make this recipe. Drain it and let it cool. Throw the pasta in a big bowl. Dump in the pepperoni, tomatoes, olives, cucumber, Parmesan, and that Italian dressing like you’re mad at it. Season with salt, pepper, and as much basil as you can get your hands on. Stir it up, toss it in the fridge, and let it marinate so it actually tastes like you tried. Serve cold with an eye roll so they know you didn’t slave over it.